contemplative

I wrote the beginning of this post at 11:09 on July 16, 2009 and am just re-reading it today. That’s how long it has been since I last attempted to blog. I could just leave it in my drafts and forget it exists, but I can’t.

I sit at the computer late at night playing stupid mindless games on Yahoo and just think.

I go over in my head about how unhappy I am and how I wish I was brave enough to just leave.  Brave enough to know that things will be okay, that I would be able to support my kids without my husband. 

I wonder what I am teaching my daughter about how men should treat women.  I don’t want her to think it is okay for her to be afraid of her boyfriend/husband; to feel like she has to hide little things like going for ice cream or a treat of lunch at McD’s.  That it is okay to let him make you feel like crap.

 As of today, I don’t feel like I need to leave anymore and I am working on not being afraid of him*.  I have made changes in my life, in that I realized that doing things behind his back is childish and immature.  He does in fact have the right to know where I am and what I am doing, especially with his children.  It’s not like reporting to my dad, it’s letting my husband know where I will be…just in case. 

The second part of the post is a renewed promise to blog more.  I wanted to sign up for NaBlo this year as I had in past years but I knew I couldn’t blog everyday. Y’know how this blogging thing is a huge secret from Big Daddy and everything (so much for the secrets thing).  Anyways, Mrs. Flinger blogged about how no one just writes a blog anymore, it’s all reviews and monetizing anymore.  Thus the {W}rite-of-passage group was born.

“The call to action: Join us. Join our small group of passionate writers. It takes all kinds of writers, journalist, essayist, long-winded and short-spunky authors. Humor, Drama, Literal, Figurative. People who use “AND” too much at the start of the sentences and people who forget to capitalize. Take the challenge and write with us. Take our {w}rite-of-passage.”

This weeks (and the first) challenge is to write about your most embarrassing moment.

I have been thinking about what that might be.  I embarrass easily and HATE being made a fool so I try hard to avoid situations where I might be embarrassed, as such when something embarrassing happens I often don’t react and just blow it off. 

The story that just popped into my head happened way back in the 90’s, when I was dating a man 12 years my senior.  I was 23, Tosh was 34.  I have these episodes when I get overheated and (possibly) dehydrated where I black-out for a moment.  I get light-headed and have heart palpitations before it all goes black, so if I am thinking clearly I can just sit down and black-out and I’m fine afterward.

One afternoon Tosh and I went for a bike ride down in Marina Del Rey. After riding for a while we stopped for a moment, I probably complained or something.  I started getting that feeling so I sat down on a large rock…AND LOST ALL BLADDER CONTROL.  In front of a guy I was still in the trying to impress stage of the relationship with and families taking a leisurely weekend walk/bike ride.  I luckily had a sweatshirt with me and was wearing shorts so I was able to disguise my accident.  However as luck would have it we ran into a friend of ours from class while walking our bikes along the Venice boardwalk.  So there I am trying to make small talk with him and his girlfriend with wet panties and chapped thighs.  Why we continued on the ride to Venice I don’ know.  I was probably trying not to ruin the day.

Huh, I totally forgot about that day until just now. 

If you want to join the fun…  http://write-of-passage.ning.com/

 *I feel I must clarify that I am not physically afraid of him.  My fear of abandonment makes me afraid to make him mad at me so that he’ll kick me out.

What is this thing you call a blog?

My blogging mojo has been stolen by Facebook.  Please send help.

So much has transpired since we last saw each other that I don’t know where to even start.  So instead of looking back we shall just move forward. MMkay?

As some of you know (right, as if anyone is still reading this) I am Facebook friends with the ex-boyfriend DiscoBunny and his wife Bucky (who is the niece of my ex-BFF).  They just got back from Hawaii and posted pictures on their respective pages.  I alternate having feelings of “hey, that’s what our kids would have looked like”, “I wonder if he ever would have taken ME to Hawaii” and “GOD he looks bad! and has not aged well”. 

I KNOW I am no spring chicken myself and weigh 30# more than when we were together and am married to a guy who is technically close to 100# over weight.  But Big Daddy is really cute.  It is also human nature to find faults in those we were once close to.

I recently friended my ex-BFF Groupie on Facebook.  She looks exactly the same.  A little heavier, but exactly the same.  Our re-kindled friendship is just superficial because how do you say “I am such a chicken shit I let my boyfriend, now husband, tell me what I should be thinking and who I should and should not be friends with.”?  How do you patch things up after basically abandoning a friendship of 10 years?

In more Facebook news, I hooked up with a guy I was friends with and loaned $600 to when I worked for The Store 13 years ago.  I took a cash advance on my Visa to help him out to buy a car.  He swore he was going to pay me back, he repaid me $100 or $200 bucks then started working somewhere else and we lost touch.   He swears he’s going to pay me back now, but I am not going to hold my breath.  It would be really cool to get $400 bucks I wasn’t planning on, but I ain’t gonna count on it or spend it before the check clears.  What I’ll actually do is see if he can PayPal me, that’s easiest; don’t have to give him personal information and I gets mah monay!

If I DO get some money back, I am gonna buy myself a new cellphone*.  Oooh or maybe a NetBook.  Nah, just a cell phone and maybe some new clothes.  Save the rest for the future and my mad money since I am STILL on a really short leash when it comes to being allowed to spend money.

Have big plans this summer. </sarcasm>  Swimming lessons for the next 2 weeks for both kids, then Maisy has a reading class once a week starting the 20th for the following 6 weeks.  She finished 1st grade not at a first grade reading level so we want to work on it before 2nd grade.  I wanted to send her to Chicago for a few weeks but it turns out my 13 year-old nephew is a sociopath who throws sharp objects at other children on the school bus and I don’t want her around him if neither Big Daddy or I aren’t there too.

Big Daddy is almost finished with his 6month probation at work and next year he gets a weeks vacation…I am already dreaming of where we can go.  And whether or not to take the kids.

Crap, it’s getting late and Maisy is still watching TV.

Hopefully, I will be back again soon.

*not an iPhone or a Blackberry or anything; just a phone with a qwerty keyboard that actually charges when you plug it in without needing to jiggle the plug and having to set it down ever so carefully as to not re-jiggle it so it’s now no longer charging.

Well, at least it wasn’t a text message.

I tried to write this yesterday, but life got in the way.

Anyways…Yesterday when I got back from walking Maisy to school, Big Daddy was wiping his eyes and deleting a “it’s me, call me back” from his sister J off the answering machine.  She was calling about this e-mail we all were sent:

B called tonight at 10:30pm to inform us that Aunt A passed away today around 2:15pm.  I didn’t get to talk to her.  She talked to Dad.

M

Before I get to the meat of the problem; a little background: Aunt A is was the Alzheimer’s addled, arthritis crippled sister of my FiL a.k.a. Papa.  She’s lived in this condo complex for decades.  11-12 years ago, when A was still vibrant and lucid, my SiL B (a.k.a. PiA- Pain in the Ass) bought a condo in the same complex and moved closer to A to help her out.  A’s health declined over the years and A has been bed bound and completely mentally gone for the last 2-3 years, B took on the role of caretaker and hired illegals to care for A in home. 

Ok, with that out of the way: J (my favorite SiL- he has 4 ya know) called because she was upset that B waited until 8:30 our time to call Papa. B’s explanation was that she did not want to call Papa when he was at dinner or was on his way home and upset him.  That’s all fine and good, but she could have called us, J or my BiL and said that she wanted to wait to tell Papa.  To add insult to injury M (the oldest sister who is currently living with Papa and sponging off of him) E-MAILS everyone instead of calling.  THOSE kinds of phone calls are meant to be made regardless of the time of day.  Further insult to injury that I noticed is that the e-mail was sent in the middle of all those stupid e-mails people forward around. It was as if she was like “send this poem…send this joke…oh yea, my aunt died I guess better e-mail my brothers, sisters and kids… then send this touching story.”

Big Daddy thinks that B waited to call, and initially didn’t plan on having a big memorial because she is freaking out and hiding something huge.  B has been handling A’s finances and care for all the time she has lived down there and we are sure she’s been using A’s pension and social security for herself.  She also handled A’s care badly and would not listen to anything anyone would say.  Big Daddy suggested all these scenarios, I said she needed to be in a managed care facility, and I am sure others have said similar things; but she always said “I can’t do that”, “A wouldn’t want that” or “A wouldn’t like that.”  The woman’s teeth were rotting out of her head and she had bed sores- you think she wanted THAT? 

Papa already had plans to come out next week, so J and M are coming with him, K doesn’t know what she is going to do (probably because she is so like Kate from John and Kate + 8 and doesn’t want to leave her boys 13 and 11 with their dad.)

The thing that adds further fuel to this fire is that since my MiL’s death 3 1/2 years ago, the girls have not gotten along.  They were slightly dysfunctional in the first place, but Mom kept them all in line so things got worse soon after she died and have gotten even worse in the last year. 

It’s times like these I am SO happy I am an only child.

Purple Rain

My blog is temporarily purple in honor of Maddie.  I did not know Maddie or her parents until I heard of her passing.  I am so sad for their loss.  It was so sudden and, from my understanding, unexpected. 

I was actually going to try to go to the memorial since it is so close to me here in the Armpit of Southern California, but we will be at California Adventure that day.  The church it is being held at is a replica of the Old North Church in Boston.  The one from Paul Revere’s famous ride.  I went to a very small private school the last couple years of elementary school and we took a field trip to see it when we were studying the Revolutionary War.

Over 250 posts have been written for Maddie, by people much more eloquent than me; by people that knew the Spohr family.

It’s crazy how often prematurity touches our lives.  Everyone knows somebody.  And with the advent of the Internets and blogging you have the possibility of ‘knowing’ hundreds of people. 

My cousin was born at 28 weeks gestation 27 years ago, back when Pre-eclampsia was still called toxemia; back when being that early was even scarier than it is now.  My other cousin’s triplet girls were born premature 9 years ago.  A good friend delivered a month early thanks to an e-coli bacterial infection.  A mom in my MOMS Club had her daughter premature last summer after being diagnosed with Hairy Cell Leukemia so she could begin chemotherapy.  I know in the back of my head that there are more, but the children are so healthy and well that their prematurity is not even a thing anymore. 

I have friends that thanks to medical advances and bed rest avoided prematurity altogether. I also unfortunately have friends that were not as lucky; one losing twins at 19 weeks gestation.

My aunt lost one of her babies in infancy due to her own drug addiction and lack of proper prenatal care.  I was young, but I knew it was because of drugs.   Other than that my real life circle has been tragedy free.

Sweetney wrote about the nightmare, that one moment where something could have gone wrong.  When Maisy was born with the nuchal cord and wasn’t breathing I wasn’t scared, it never even occurred to me to be scared.  When Moose had that ‘kidney thing’ prenatally and at birth I wasn’t worried. When I had the accident with the whole family in the truck when Moose was 6 weeks old I was too dazed to be scared.  Throughout all the times the kids have fallen off things and fallen in the tub I have been level headed and handled it.  Even when Moose ate the undetermined amount of Childrens Tylen0l when he was 19 months old, I wasn’t afraid he was going to die*;  I was more afraid of what Big Daddy would do to me should he find out**.   Am I naive? Possibly.  I know bad things happen, but you never really think they’ll happen to you.

I’d like to say that I appreciated my kids a little more these past few days.  But I didn’t.  I have still been as irritated and cranky as I always am.  But there is no reason I can’t start RIGHT NOW. Right?

I don’t know where I am going with all of this or how to really end it other than to send love and comfort out into the blogosphere for Heather and Mike.

And I’ll wear a little purple on Tuesday for Maddie.

 

*OK! I’ll admit it, I was really freaked out over the Tylen0l incident, but poison control talked me down off the ledge.

**Sad but true. I never told him.

Friday Five: Update Edition

Thing 1:  Tuesday marked the 7th birthday of my Sweet Maisy.  I wrote up a little something that I sent to family and posted on my Facebook: 

We took the kids to Disneyland yesterday for Maisy’s birthday.  They have the get in free on your birthday promotion so we took a day off and had a little fun.  We got up early to miss the morning traffic, had breakfast down by the park, got great parking and waited around a 1/2 hour to get in before they opened.  The weather was perfect, the crowds were minimal since it was a Tuesday and not everyone has this week off for spring break. Average time we waited to get on a ride was 15 minutes.  They gave Maisy a button that said “Happy Birthday Maisy” on it, so all day all the ‘cast members’ were saying happy birthday to her.  It was so fun for her. 

 

Big Daddy took Maisyon the Matterhorn without telling her what it was all about. She survived and was none the worse for wear.  Later, since they both did well on Pirates we we decided to try the Haunted Mansion.  We made it through the first parlor before you get on the cars when Maisy freaked out and started crying that she wanted to go home.  First time I ever had to use one of those ‘chicken out’ exits.  She hated Star Tours too and freaked out during that as well.

 

To top it off Moose was such a great boy all day- only a couple brief tantrums.  Not many 2.5 year-oldscan get up at 5AM and last until 10 PM with almost no nap and not have a volcanic meltdown.  He dozed off during Pirates of the Caribbean for a power nap.  Which was a blessing in disguise because the ride broke down right before the end and we were stuck in the middle of a drunken shoot-out between 4 pirates for 5-10 minutes.  Sitting there waiting for the ride to resume I thought of the line from Jurassic Park when Jeff Goldblum’s character says “If the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down the pirates don’t eat you.”

 

We were going to try to have dinner at one of the nicer restaurants there (not wanting to spend $36.00 again on hockey-puck cheeseburgers), but seeing as it was 7PM already and we wouldn’t even get in the place for at least a 1/2 hour we bailed on that idea and decided to just stop somewhere on the way home.  Big Daddy talked to his sister PiA while I was navigating that one huge gift shop and we met her for Pizza in Fullerton.  Even though we still didn’t get dinner until after 9 pm, the pizza was amazing. Maisy wanted pizza in the first place but I didn’t want Disneyland pizza (and I KNOW BD wouldn’t have liked it), so it worked out well.  We put the kids in their pajamas (Maisy even got a brand new Sleeping Beauty nightgown at the park), loaded them up and we were on the road a few minutes before 10. Home before 11.

 

We’re going to do California Adventure in June for Moose’s birthday. :P

We WERE going to wait until then to go, but right now Disney also has a ‘2fer’ promotion for So Cal residents where you can go back to California Adventure (ie: the other park) for free 30 days after your visit.  And we realized why spend the extra money to go back in 2 months when we can go for free this month?  The guy converted Maisy’s ticket in to a ‘2fer’, Moose is already still free so we’re all set.   Big Daddy gets every other Tuesday off so we’re going to go the 14th.

Thing 2:  Birth and Death Tuesday also marked the 18th anniversary of my Daddy’s death.  Today would have been his 61st Birthday.  It was also the day that we held his memorial service, since I was scheduled to fly out to Boston on the 4th to see Goochwhen she was living there and we wanted to get everything squared away before I left.  In a few more years I will have lived longer without him than I did withhim.  I have compartmentalized his deathin such a way that I really don’t think about him much.  I don’t have that soul crushing ache others have with the loss of a parent. I miss him when I think about what he lost out on, what I lost out on, what my kids lost out on.  Big Daddy and I sometimes talk of how my Dad would have liked him, and that they would have done a lot of this or that together.  But the thing is, my life would be totally different had he not died.  I would have taken different paths so I wouldn’t have these same babies, the same husband, this same life.

 

3’s company: The Foreclosure & Bankruptcy  We are still living in our house.  We have not made a payment since May (WOW).  We have sent off a bunch of financial paperwork and forms to them, and they have just requested more.  They have been reviewing and then putting things on hold while waiting to see what the Government came up with in terms of programs to help.  we had an original trustee sale date (you know the auction on the courthouse steps) of Feb 11thand they extend it another montheach month they continue to dick around.  We now have a May 15 sale date right now.

We are waiting to see what happens with the forclosure before filing chapter 13 bankruptcy on all our other debts.  We stopped paying the credit cards in October so were severely in default with them.  I went out and bought an answering machine, since we discontinued voice mail, so that I could screen our calls.  How many times can I continue to tell these people we can’t pay them. 

As an aside: do you know how hard it was to find and answering machine?  Target only had ones connected with a phone system and Best Buy had ONE.

4’s a crowd:  Our Finances in General  Big Daddy’s job is going great.  He’s getting paid super good. We got benefits a month after he was hired.  Unfortunately the shop is not doing as well so we’re using money we should be saving to make the ‘good faith’ payment I am sure the mortgage company is going to want when the modification is made, to pay the bills at the shop.  So right now we have NO money until payday.

I have a little more autonomy when it comes to being able to spend money.  I am able to run errands and go shopping on my own and just re-imburse myself from the shop.  He is not depositing his paychecks in our joint account with B0fA (yes, I’m STILL with them…for now) and not depositing checks from his personal account in to the joint account.  We’re funneling money through the shop until the bankruptcy is over since we hold a second mortgage and a credit card through B0fA and we don’t want them to see we have money coming in.  I can only claim laziness for not going down to the corner Citi.bank and opening an account there.  (That’s my only close by choice. I owe $$ to Ch ase for my credit card and the fees at We lls Farg0 are too high.)

5 Alive: Blog Bidness I am not going to make excuses for why I have not been blogging other than just feeling uninspired.  (No one probably even noticed either.) I have been reading blog after blog and I actually commented today and yesterday on a couple, so I have been wasting as much time if not more on the Internet.  I just have not felt bloggy lately.

My domain monamildew.com expired and since I am not able to spend money without someones scrutiny and my credit cards have burst into flames I couldn’t renew it.  It has been deleted from my name and is now back on the free market.  So if you had that in a feed reader, it’s now Lloyd, Lloyd, all null and void.  I think I still own my everybodyloves[myrealname].com domain and hopefully I can hang on to that for future use in some capacity.

As you can see (if you have been here before) I have a new theme and I am going to try to blog more regularly.  Maybe do what other people do and have regular features or themes. 

I dunno. No promises.

**The paragraph breaks in this thing are pissing me off.  I keep editing it over and over but nothing changes so I am through.  Please know I did a better job than this**

Put the needle on the record…

Sitting down to figure out the 20 albums that changed my life was hard.  I have had periods in my life where I was still trying to figure myself out, was into what those around me were into and I listened to stuff that makes me cringe now. R. Kelly? Really?!? 

I would have to say that particular songs have had more of a life changing effect on me than whole albums. Like the G&R song November Rain made me realize that maybe it was time to break-up with Disco Bunny, but I can’t say the whole Use Your Illusion I album (and II for that matter) was life changing.  The one hit wonders of Afternoon Delight and Midnight at the Oasis were staples in my house growing up and I hold a special place in my heart for them, but the whole album? Again, not life changing.

I worked in a music store on and off from 1989 to 1991 and again in 1994 to 1996, I was really into music that last go around. My life in general went through a lot of changes in those years, so most of the music I listened to at that time tends to be associated with those changes.

I chose albums that represent changes in my life, memories (bad and good), or ones that helped define my musical tastes. In no particular order.

1. U2- Under a Blood Red Sky
2. U2- War
3. U2- Wide Awake in America
4. U2- The Unforgettable Fire
5. Pat Benatar – Crimes of Passion
6. Deftones- Adrenaline
7. Filter- Short Bus
8. The Crow Soundtrack
9. Pantera- Far Beyond Driven
10. Metallica- And Justice for All
11. Metallica- Ride the Lightning
12. Moody Blues- Days of Future Past
13. Temple of the Dog- Temple of the Dog
14. Stabbing Westward- Ungod
15. Soundgarden- Badmotorfinger
16. Survivor- Vital Signs
17. Corrosion of Conformity- Deliverance
18. Down- NOLA
19. Staind- Break the Cycle
20. George Michael-  Listen Without Prejudice, Vol. 1

Some of these are so out of place with the others.  Want to know why these are life changing?  Leave a note in the comments and I will tell you the story, if there is one.

He Ain’t Heavy…He’s My Son

I needed to get this off my chest, and 140 characters on twitter just wasn’t gonna cut it.. 

The other morning Big Daddy made a comment that Moose was feeling a little ‘thick’ and maybe we need to keep an eye on what he is eating.  We then weighed him and he was 33 pounds (Maisy wanted in on it too, she’s 47 pounds.).  Not having any data to back me up, I didn’t want to get into an argument by saying he’s fine, don’t worry.

We’ll thanks to these nifty charts over at the CDC I now can now unequivocally tell my Sweet Baboo to get bent.  Moose is in the low 75th percentile for both height and weight.  Which as most Mom’s know means that he weighs the same or more than 75% of most 32 month olds  and less than 25% of the rest.  He was in the 90th percentile most of the first 24 months of his life so this means he’s thinning out.  I mean does that kid like he’s too chunky?!?

Maisy on the otherhand is in the 50th percentile for height and the 25th for weight.  Which I kind of figured since all her pants are either too big in the waist or too short.

On Parentcenter.com they have a height predictor where you put in their height now, mom and dad’s heights and it predicts how tall your kid is going to be at 18. 

Moose is supposed to be 6′ 2″.  Maisy 5′ 6″.  But I don’t hold much stock in those kind of things.  When I was 11 my pediatrician predicted I would be lucky to hit 5 feet.

I’m 5′ 6″.

Valentimes*

When I am in a better place mentally (ie: not fucking sad and depressed all the time) I have fun at Valentines day. 

I don’t think I was one of those girls who got bent out of shape if my beloved didn’t buy me a whatever.  But it’s safe to say that I might have at one time I’m sure. 

When I was dating Disco Bunny I would make a big deal about  doing sweet romantic things and would go out of my way to buy him something cool or special.  One year, towards the end of our relationship, they were selling space on the new electronic sign they installed at our college.  For $5 you could post a message to your Valentine that would rotate throughout the day. Mine was simple, probably something like ”To Disco Bunny I love you love, Mona.”   When he went to work that afternoon (he worked part time as a teller at a bank) he was confronted by a c0-worker who had a crush on him, she was mad at him for not telling her he had a girlfriend.  Whether it was him just keeping his personal life a secret or just ME I’ll never know.  But we broke up about a year later.

When we first got married Big Daddy would go down to the flower district and buy me some obscenely pretty bouquet at cost and make us steaks for dinner.  It was sweet to come home from work and find dinner ready.  As the years wore on and money became tighter it became a card and a store bought box of candy, or nothing at all.

Tonight we might take the kids out to dinner and I bought a box of brownie mix at the store for $.69.  Other than that, this Valentines Day SUCKS!

Why, you wonder?

Picture if you will an intoxicated almost 25 year-old driving through the streets of the South Bay. Said 24 year-old hits the median and blows 2 tires. This young adult proceeds to try to steal a tire off of a vehicle at a new car lot, but not before passing out for a while inside the car.  This person is observed by a couple of L.A.’s finest and is arrested. Said person spend the night in jail, and when required to goes to court, pleads no contest and tells their tale of how the crime came to be committed.  The judge says “say you’re sorry and pay some money to the injured party and all will be forgiven.”  They do, and go about their life.  17 years later they apply for a job with the City and do not disclose that they were convicted of a misdemeanor, because they did not think they were.  They have assumed the case was dismissed until they receive a letter stating that they are going to be fired.  They receive this letter 4 days after it was written, after 5pm, on a Friday before a Monday government holiday, and told to respond in writing with an explanation by 4 pm the Tuesday after the holiday. 

So yeah, it sucks.  Big stupid head boy!

He’s going to call the person named on the letter and say “dude, I just got this.”  Luckily he still has the receipt from the dealership showing he paid for the tire and jack, stamped by the court. Unfortunately the only other paperwork is the arrest report and the bail receipt- nothing else. 

It looks like I am going to be typing a response this weekend and making some phone calls on Tuesday. 

In other, better news.

Hilly has proclaimed today Self Love Day.  A day to love YOU. To celebrate the ME.

As I have stated before I am self-centered but have low esteem.  So while I think the world revolves around me, I think I’m pond scum.  But I think I am up to the challenge.

What I love about me:  

I am a nice person.  I know that’s kind of bland, but I am.  I try to see the best in everyone and it takes A LOT to make me not like you. 

Now your turn.  What do YOU love about me?

Want to play along?

Here’s how the whole thing works:

1.) You’re gonna grab yourself a banner.  If you don’t like the one I’ve used in this post, you can find another one here.

2.) You’re gonna post that banner and then tell us all something that you really like love about yourself (thus, the “self-love” portion of our program).

3.) Ask or beg your readers to post one thing that they too love about you!!!  If your blog friends are nice, you shouldn’t have to beg…much.

4.)  Enjoy yourself and spread the love by doing this on your blog!  If you want to, drop Hillya line or a trackback so that she knows you participated too!

 

*it is such a pet peeve of mine when people say valenTIMES day.

An update on the situation via e-mails

In response to his e-mail I sent him this:

i am not hiding anything from you*.  i think it was a HUGE step for me to admit to you that i fucked up knowing it was going to make you angry. i have been telling everyone the same thing- that we are both unemployed and looking, but today i slipped when i told them we sent financial docs to [redacted] to try to remedy the foreclosure and for that i am sorry. the minute i said it i was like ‘fuck! how can i take that back?’

 

i admit it is true that i still get apprehensive to talk to you about things; but that is because you get angry and say things that hurt and or upset me, whether it is intentional or not. we do need to sit down and go over the bills that are due. i hope we can do it without getting upset, fighting and ending up laying crap on each other.   

when i say i don’t know what to say it’s because: i think i tell you i am sorry so much that i don’t know if it even does any good any more. i want to make all your hurting and frustration go away but i don’t know how to right at that minute. i am also trying to put in to practice what i am trying to instill in maisy- that actions speak louder than words, so i don’t want to say something just to appease you or whatever.  i am trying hard to do better, to change.  i know you can’t see it and that i am doing a bad job because i just keep making the same stupid mistakes.  

i hope we can work though this together and come out the other side a better family.

He sent me this back in response via his phone from work:

Yes, I understand, I am having some tough days.  Sorry.

I am not sure what all of that means yet.  He was his typical grumpy self, but mildly civil to me this morning.  I didn’t really talk to him other than saying good morning, asking him a few things related to something I am supposed to do for him this afternoon, and answering him when he asked me what I was doing**.  I didn’t want to push a conversation when he was up late working and is tired.  That’s what I usually do, I am high strung (neurotic maybe) and I can’t just let things alone- I poke at the festering wound until it explodes.

We both tend to make rash decisions that we later see was not the best course of action.  If anyone read my posts from October when I was SURE we were going to get a divorce and that we could not fix what I had broken, as you can see; that did not happen.  We’re not in the best place relationshipwise, but we are still together and (hopefully) trying to work it out.  So, I am just going to give him space, try not to make any more mistakes today and see if he wants some lovin’ when he gets home from work tonight.  Maybe that will turn the tide.

*Well, nothing that is related to the house and our current situation. 

**What I was doing: I got an e-mail this morning from an associate of his who’s website I maintain; his site was down and I was trying (unsuccessfully) figure out the issue and to gain access to the various websites for our domain and hosting companies. I finally just called tech support and they got right on the problem.  Right after I got off the phone with them I realized that I should check our websites to see of they were having the same issue and one was.  So I called them back again.  While I was on hold with them I was trying to log in to our account and trying to figure out a few things.

See, I do so need the Internet.

From the “How Fucking Stupid Am I?” File

This is verbatim from an e-mail from Big Daddy entitled “WTF”; sent to me after I called him and told him that I screwed up and told the bank that holds our second mortgage that he got a job and who he works for- I know I FUCKED UP.  I was only supposed to tell everyone who calls that he is not working, but I think they will find out once they call the people that hold our first mortgage to tell them they are forclosing on the second.  (We sent financial information to the first to get them to work with us, and that’s one of the things we told them; that he has a job and what he gets paid.)

 

I don’t understand why you would tell them that?   What else are you not telling me, I feel like your hiding more from me?   I need to know what is going on, I don’t want you to talk to any CC companys and [redacted], just take a message.  In fact I am going to just get rid of the phone and you just use your cel for now.  No one calls us anyway and it’s really a waste of money.  The internet is not bringing us any money, so really there is no use! 

 

I am at the end of the rope, I can’t do anymore and ready to just give up. 

 

Thanks so Much!

I can’t think of a vaild reason that he will accept for him not to turn off the internet.  He has access at the shop and obviously he doesn’t think I need it anymore here at the house; that I have mismanaged things so badly I have no reason to have online access to accounts anymore.  So this may be the end of my Internet usage other than here and there at the library or my moms. 

If I suddenly disappear… Bye!